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How do you connect yourself with things you’ve never experienced?


Let’s say that you’re an agnostic and that you do not understand why people hold on to their religion so air-tightly: you might not understand why ‘rituals’ are more important than good deeds. How do you understand those people?

Another case that’s more business related: Let’s say that you majored in a field where the majority of students are female, and then you worked for companies with many female execs or a startup which practice meritocracy. How do you come to imagine that there’s places where females are still undermined? (Disclosure: I was at #WonderTech Indonesia Kick-off Event: Inspiring Female Careers earlier)

One possible way is to LISTEN.

Listen to the story and inquire what’s beyond the story told. Listen to how such story unfold. Listen to understand the root cause, and then maybe fix it, if needed and possible — many stories have reasons that runs deep, and many story tellers might not be ready to listen to others’ stories.

Do share about your personal way of coping!
#WeekdayDialogues

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Real Life La La Land II: To Those who Wants to Dream

Real Life La La Land II: To Those who Wants to Dream

The first part of what I learnt from La La Land can be found here.

If you have watched the movie La La Land, then you must have been familiar with Mia and Sebastian. Mia, being an aspiring actress, and Sebastian, being a jazz musician with no clear prospect, depict common themes happening in our life, especially to those in their quarter-life crisis, aged between 20 and 30.

This second part is dedicated to those of us who might have dreams somewhere in our years of living, but — just as flame flickers and die without being fuelled — have let their dreams burnt into nothingness, or at least into ashes.

But, who might the dreamers be?

  • Ones who know how they measure their life
  • Ones who dare trying and failing

Ones who know how they measure their life?

In his book How Will You Measure Your Life?, Clayton M. Christensen emphasized that when we find ourselves stuck in unhappy careers or unhappy lives — just like the broke Jazz musician Sebastian stuck in his new high-end gig — it is often the result of a fundamental misunderstanding of what really motivates us.

In my post 7 thoughts worthy of being pursued in 2017, one topic that has come by my touched the topic of how creating an eulogy for our future self is a good way to align our resolutions in 2017 to our long-term goals. However, how do we know it — the things that make us tick?

A quick check that we can do: ask ourselves whether we are motivated by external or internal factors. While Jensen and Meckling, with their incentive theory, say that we can pay people to want what we want — over and over again, while Frederick Herzberg, with his two-factor theory, differentiate between hygiene and motivation factors. While Jensen and Meckling’s might work in some settings, true motivations doesn’t necessarily stem out of external motivators — in this case: incentives.

So, do your exercise and know what motivate(s) you.

Without work, all life goes rotten, but when work is soulless, life stifles and dies. — Albert Camus

Ones who dare trying and failing?

And even when the answer’s “no”
Or when my money’s running low
The dusty mic and neon glow
Are all I need…
… Climb these hills
I’m reaching for the heights
And chasing all the lights that shine
And when they let you down
You’ll get up off the ground
’Cause morning rolls around
And it’s another day of sun

— Another Day of Sun, La La Land

How many of us are worthy of this song Another Day of Sun performed in La La Land: of having nothing more than essential pieces needed for living and of getting back up every time we are being turned down?

I am skeptical, but let’s say most of us dares trying and failing. Instead of following the “proven” conventional path of living (study, get an internship, then a steady job and promotions, and so on) with hope that this track is bullet-proof, we realize that success comes at a price, and only for those who dares pursuing their dreams relentlessly.

In the movie, Mia broke her heart many times in numerous unsuccessful auditions — despite those being auditions that are organized by people who pay no respect to talents, just like those organizations where the ill-mannered ass-kissers are promoted over those with genuine interest for the organizations — and almost dismiss her chance to that final audition that propels her to fame.

But, then, how do we know that we should keep on trying or to stop when it hasn’t worked out for quite some time? 2 years ago, I wrote this short post and argue that: (1) we should know how bad we want it, (2) we should reflect, (3) we should ask for genuine feedback.

Maybe, the answer is have a bit of madness!

“The only way to be truly satisfied is to do what you believe is great work. And the only way to do great work is to love what you do. If you haven’t found it yet, keep looking. Don’t settle. As with all matters of the heart, you’ll know when you find it.”—Steve Jobs


Let’s meet on the comment section below!

photo credits: Dreaming — http://b-a-l-a-n-c-e.deviantart.com/art/Dreaming-167163357

Real Life La La Land: From Sebastian To The Fools Who Dream(ed)

Real Life La La Land: From Sebastian To The Fools Who Dream(ed)

Delusional.

That’s what I think of the movie La La Land, starred by Emma Stone and Ryan Gosling. If you have watched the movie, you’ll see my point. If you haven’t, please do (and then you can start re-reading from “Delusional…”).

Yet, I love it. I love it, mainly, not because of the lovely scene and surreal settings, but because I feel that the story hits home. Just like a soap opera, this musical magnifies our (mostly) ordinary life events to the extreme.

How many of us want to be an actress or a musician? Probably, not all of us aspire to become one, and maybe some of us are even still looking for that thing—the life we know we’ll love till the Death comes. By bringing events to the extreme, the movie nudges us (almost subtly) to see what little aspects of our life we might be ignoring at the moment, ones that drift us farther apart from our thing—our purpose.

When we are to choose the path to walk through, how do we choose? Are we like Sebastian of La La Land—that broke Jazz musician who chose to work, in a gig he doesn’t love, so that he can save up for his dream? While that may seems like a good idea, it has its curse.

As Sebastian began to live his newfound gig—by numbing his feelings—he started to lose his purpose. In real life, it’ll be like a young banker who took his first job, out of economy school, thinking to pay his study debt, who then keep on working in the banks as he’s now accustomed to his current living style. On one occasion, he said, “Maybe this is the best for me. This should happen for a reason.” Well, maybe. Maybe his dream of being involved first hand in social setting was never a real thing to begin with.

Another example, by Clayton M. Christensen in How Will Your Measure Your Life (and also his paid post in Harvard Business Review), is about how Honda entered the bike market in US: after failing to materialise its original plan to fight with the likes of Harley-Davidson, it realised that it might do better by changing its target audience and sold product — its success was enabled because Honda seized the unanticipated opportunity.

Saying yes to the opportunities that emerge before us might be a good thing, as it turned out so for Honda, but—unfortunately, there is always a ‘but’—we should do so remembering:

  • Will this new opportunity bring me closer to my goal? (Honda’s did, for its market share)
  • And, if we drift apart: Why do I dreamt that dream I have in the first place? and Does it still rings true now?

These are hard questions. Sebastian rationalised that his job was what his lover wanted for him, so he passed the blame to his lover. We might be doing so unknowingly, clouded by those external noise and / or our losing our faith in ourselves. When we encounter this, take time to stop and be still.

I’d close with a suggestion—almost an urge—for us to listen to the song: Audition (The Fools who Dream), and take what we can. Dreamers might seem foolish, they might fail and ache, but given the chance to go back to past, they’ll pursue their dream all over again (most possibly with new ways of doing).

Leapt, without looking, and tumbled into the Seine. The water was freezing, she spent a month sneezing. But said she would do it again. Here’s to the ones who dream, foolish as they may seem. Here’s to the hearts that ache, here’s to the mess we make. — Audition (The Fools who Dream), La La Land

—End of Part 1


If this story happens to resonate with you, do share with your friends / colleagues that you think will find this useful. Comments are very much appreciated.

This post is also uploaded on my LinkedIn.

7 Thoughts Worthy of Following-Up in 2017

7 Thoughts Worthy of Following-Up in 2017

I’ve spent one week sitting on this post and was still thinking to put it off, until I came across two conversations over the course of this week. One started heavy, with the question “What’s next?”, and the other with slightly lighter “Many founders start their business while they were in their mid 20s”. Those conversations pushed me to finish this post and publish it today.


It was one day into 2017. People I know had begun asking each others what their resolutions would be even before Christmas. Some had very specific answers “I want to change job”, “I wanna lose those extra weight” or a simple “I might wanna get married soon”. Well, thanks goodness that some others still hadn’t really though about it—how Schadenfreude I was!

However, it caused me to spend some time thinking about what I thought would be good addition for those who have set their resolutions in motion, and as starting point for those who haven’t planned one.

Note: Resolutions doesn’t need to be material!

Here it goes!

 

A. Thinking of making new year resolutions? (and a bit sad of last years’ missed achievements?)

You are not alone. While those showcased by the media are admirable, they are not the common. Not everyone is on that top 0.xxx% of the population. Breathe. Don’t be depressed or jealous.

It doesn’t mean that we should not create our own resolution for 2017 though, but I think we need to understand that resolution means nothing if we create a list just for the sake of having one.

She says, “Listen Laura, everything I do, every minute I spend, is my choice.” And rather than say, “I don’t have time to do x, y or z,” she’d say, “I don’t do x, y or z because it’s not a priority.”

—Laura Vanderkam, in How to Gain Control of Your Free Time

The bulls**t that we don’t have enough time, that something came up leaving us no time and / or choice, made no sense. As Lauran Vanderkam—a time management expert—puts it, We don’t build the lives we want by saving time. We build the lives we want, and then time saves itself.” Laura illustrated how a super busy woman made time available when her basement was flooded with water from her broken water heater. So, why can’t we find time to what really matters to us, right?

To create meaningful resolutions, these are 2 exercises I think would be useful:

  • The extreme “Create an eulogy for yourself to be read on your funeral”
    A milder approach is to write a letter to yourself —meant to read on the New Year’s Eve of 2018— about those amazing achievements you have made in 2017.
  • Fall in love with systems
    In my conversation today with an ex-colleague, I was made aware that I approach my life bottom-to-top while he is the one with a top-to-bottom approach. Whichever our approach is, James Clear suggests that goals are good for planning your progress and systems are good for actually making progress. Have some goals, and then focus on the systems.

So, think about what we really want out of our life, however distant or near it may be. And start making those priorities.

 

B. Thinking of disconnecting from the social media? and from work?

Don’t even think about it—just do it, if it means more time for ourselves and things that matter to us. This video from The School of Life explains why it is so hard to live in the present.

This post in LinkedIn “From the Ritz to a Padded Cell: A Workaholic’s Lesson on Love and Loss” shows us that work —for most of us who do not deal with life-and-death situation— does not necessarily be the sole focus of our lives.

If not even work should be our sole focus, why do we let ourselves attached to social media? Un-attaching ourselves from social media is surely one way to live in the present. As Dr. Cal Newport suggests, social media is an entertainment, designed to be as addictive as possible.

So, proceed with caution!

 

C. Thinking of being nice?

In this video, The School of Life explains that the reason we don’t really want to be nice is because our memory of niceness has been suppressed by a culture that makes us feel unintelligent for lending niceness or approval.

Opposed to the view that being nice means being weak or unsuccessful, boring, moneyless, and unsexy, being truly nice requires being kind at heart. It breeds trust, companionship, cooperation, safe haven, among many others, that actually prove that we can be nice and successful, nice and exciting, nice and wealthy, and nice and sexy.

In this TED Talk, Adam Grant shared that the nice, kind givers are actually among the best performers. It’s just that the preconceived notion that being nice means being unable to thrive has caused organizations to view human as mere resources to be depleted, be it consciously or unconsciously. As a test, check out what your connections in LinkedIn are talking about, and you’ll realize that niceness has no place in our workplace.

Or, does it?

 

D. Thinking of standing up for others, and for ourselves?

Standing up for ourselves and for others might seem like two different actions, but it requires one same principle, which is to be courageous.

Being courageous is a challenge many of us have, for the following reasons:

  1. Our bad inner voices, growing from our exposures to bad experiences, tells us that we are not worthy. Thus, our opinions matter not.
  2. We simply do not care about others. We must live, but not necessarily the same for other people —which might or might not stem from our view of being nice meaning being weak.

In the movie “A Wish for Christmas”, after being treated unfairly and being silent many times, Sara was gifted with courage for 48 hours. She gained the courage to speak up, for herself and for others. Soon, she realized that courage is something we could give ourselves.

The ingredient that differentiates standing up for ourselves and for others, you ask? Empathy. Empathy is the essential ingredient in love, compassion, and meaningful communication. It requires us to:

  • Do something different. Something we’ve seen others do, but we’ve never tried.
  • Be open and listen. Really listen to what others say and try to understand their emotional state and needs. Be there! Not in our clouds of ‘what-to-say-next’ or our prejudice.
  • Be curious. Not ignorant.
  • Do something good. Commit to help someone in need and see our commitment through.

 

E. Thinking of Doing Regular Self-Introspection —but, without beating ourselves up?

It can be hard not to inflict harms to ourselves and others when we don’t have an accurate handle of our sufferings. Our stream of consciousness contains a reservoirs of muddled hints about our woes, which need to be gathered and decoded for us to avoid hurting ourselves and others.

In this interesting poster, James Altucher suggests that when we label our thoughts, we can steer ourselves away from not-useful and leave more space for useful thought.

That being said, I would like to suggest that we improvise by naming what our thought is, seeing it as it is, but not thinking that we are only what we think at the moment—this video shows why we shouldn’t always trust our feelings. And that we are more than our achievement. We are more than our actions. We are more than our mistakes.

 

F. Thinking of being a better listener?

Listen, or your tongue will keep you deaf.
—Native North American proverb

Being a good listener is one of the most important and enchanting life skills anyone can have. While most people will agree to it, being a good listener is difficult for some, if not most people.

One case suggesting that listening is important is mentioned in Ron Friedman, Ph.D.’s The Best Place to Work. In 1994, a team of medical researchers began investigating: Why do patients sue their doctors? To the question “Why are you suing?”, one theme was mentioned by nearly 3/4 of all plaintiffs: they tended to believe that their physicians didn’t understand them. They felt ignored, devalued, and even deserted. Those who brought up their concerns were met with condescension.

What good listeners do:

  1. They encourage us to elaborate further
  2. They urge clarification with the ambition to getting to underlying issues
  3. They don’t moralize
  4. They separate disagreement from criticism

 

G. Thinking of finding a fulfilling work? or fulfilment in general?

Many people spend most of their waking hours at work or thinking about work. In the dim chill of a Monday morning in January, the prospect of another year at a job that fails to satisfy can be daunting, if not downright depressing.
– Kevin Granville, NYTimes

As this post on nytimes.com suggests, the best time to retune your career is probably right now, in January, be it planning to ask for a pay raise, look for a new job, or simply be happy at work.

Let me add to the NYTimes post, some key points in finding fulfilling work we’ve been craving for so long, as suggested by Roman Krznaric, in his How to Find Fulfilling Work.

  • Scrap away the ancient ‘grin and bear it’ mentality. Work might not always have to be only means to an end, a ‘day job’ only to pay the bills.
  • Understand the sources of our confusion and fears about leaving our old jobs behind us. Are we concerned about the ‘sunk costs’ – resources we have spent so far in our education and work? Or, do we have no clue on what makes us tick?
  • The three essential ingredients making our work fulfilling are meaning, flow, and freedom.
  • Reject the myth that there is a single perfect job waiting for us. Instead, identify our ‘multiple selves’
  • Act first, reflect later. Sometimes, we need to take a leap of faith and the courage to try out new things which may or may not work for us.

All being said, maybe we just need to disconnect for a while and to recharge 🙂


What are your resolutions in 2017?  What will you add to this list that might be of interest of others?

 

*photo credits: Northern Lights, Norway, by Matthew Savage – https://www.flickr.com/photos/msavagephotography/15508852628/

Is Your Mission as Morale as Google’s?


Prologue

It’s Friday morning. May 8th 2015. A surprise.

I was added to a Whatsapp group called “Young MENSA Indonesia”. There, I joined the “SIG (Special Interest Group) Books”. As the name suggests, it’s a group of people taking interest in reading, of any kind of books. (Thanks for not puling a prank on me, Erik!)

But, what is my mission in joining Mensa?


Mission: Definition

Type “mission definition”, in google.com and you are likely to find these three definitions:

  1. An important assignment carried out for political, religious, or commercial purposes, typically involving travel.
  2. The vocation or calling of a religious organization, especially a Christian one, to go out into the world and spread its faith.
  3. A strongly felt aim, ambition, or calling.

Upon reading the third one, I heard a whisper, “Do I have it?Continue reading “Is Your Mission as Morale as Google’s?”

Write. To Help You Break Through Life


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Screaming. Furious and frustrated he was. Yet, his screams only heard by himself.

Over the past few weeks, he was constantly thinking of the past he has been trying to bury. Now, It seems that his visits to psychologist were not enough for him to pull through his dark time.

At one point in his life, he started believing that human life might not be what he wanted to understand. People are not worthy of being helped! Continue reading “Write. To Help You Break Through Life”

Identity Crisis: Are You really YOU?


“It is easier to live through someone else than to complete yourself. The freedom to lead and plan your own life is frightening if you have never faced it before.” – Betty Friedan

Prologue

Standing separated by the bar table in the office, the question “What makes her doing what she did?” came from a colleague of mine (let’s name her Daniela). Daniela was referring to another colleague, Mark. We both thought that Mark was not being reasonable in his business decision (or even in his participation in the decision making).

I replied with a “I don’t know. Why would you ask that question?”.

I had never thought of the reasoning behind his act. I mean, I had too many things to juggle. But, this question might be the answer to understanding and reasoning with Mark once and for all, instead of always created workarounds to each block coming my way.

“You know, there is a saying that ‘hurt people hurt people’”, she said. I was taken aback. Continue reading “Identity Crisis: Are You really YOU?”